Cinemasochist Review: Santa With Muscles

Santa.jpgIt might be a slight exaggeration to say that Hulk Hogan should be executed for war crimes. After all, he’s never actually been in a war. But Santa With Muscles remains an unspeakable crime against all that we hold dear.

Hogan plays a nutritional supplement tycoon by the name of Blake Thorne, who has charged his household staff with the duty of attacking him at all times, Cato Fong-style. Thorne is a blackhearted miser who scoffs at the poor, using them for paintball targets. Oh, and he’s a completely overacted effeminate weirdo who spouts stupid axioms as “Blake’s Rules.” Apparently he is a modified gay Ferengi.

Anyhoo, one of Thorne’s exxtreme!! paintball tournaments goes awry, leading to a police chase with the tranya-relishing Clint Howard. Hiding from the police, Thorne sneaks into a mall, steals a Santa costume, then bonks his head — causing amnesia. A con man named Lenny (the dumpy guy from That 70’s Show), who works the holiday season as an elf, convinces Thorne that he really is Santa. Why, it’s completely believable! Hilarity ensues.

Santa With Muscles holes up at a local orphanage where Saavik 2 (you know, the fake Saavik from ST III) takes care of a ragtag bunch of miscreants. The orphanage is located above a series of catacombs, complete with skeletons, and also there’s a cave with crystals that generate electricity and that explode if you drop them. The evil Dr. Frost (Ed Begley Jr.!) seeks to gain those crystals, and so repeatedly sends his henchmen to destroy the orphanage. The henchmen, by the way, consist of a geologist, a chemist, some sort of electro-woman and a fumigator. And the chemist (played by Steve Valentine of “Crossing Jordan” fame) is supposed to be the lead henchman.

Did I mention that one of the orphans is Mila Kunis from That 70’s Show? I smell a conspiracy. And did you know that she was born in the USSR, and learned English from watching The Price is Right? Well, let’s just say that when Santa With Muscles came around she still needed to watch a few more episodes.

Back to the “plot”: I don’t want to give it all away, but let me list a few of the crimes against humanity in this movie:

  • Numerous styrofoam candy cane fights
  • Stalactite fights
  • Dodging a missile by stepping out of the way
  • retarded(?) orphan girl who thinks angels are singing to her, when really it’s just some weird resonation from crystals in the creepy catacombs beneath her home
  • using ancient football leather instead of human skin for the Hogan Robo-Actor 3000
  • several villians using t-squares as weapons
  • Brutus the Barber Beefcake as a vaguely asian sumo wrestler
  • zero references to 24-inch pythons, hulkamaniacs, ripped tank tops or leg drops — whatcha gonna do, audience, when these arms are wrapped around yer neck? That’s right, brothers!

Anyways, Santa With Muscles (yes, that is how they refer to him in the film) saves the day, catches the bad guys, and learns a little something about the meaning of Christmas along the way. Sniff!

Verdict: I find you GUILTY, Santa With Muscles! Guilty of wasting my time, searing my retinas and yes, of breaking my heart.

Merry Christmas, everyone.


6 thoughts on “Cinemasochist Review: Santa With Muscles

  1. Indeed. I can’t tell whether this means I have been naughty or nice. I feel like I have been beaten with a stocking full of coal.

  2. Of course, Eleventh hour redemption means no actual beatings with actual stockings full of actual coal!

    So, silver lining.

    Bonus silver lining: Progeny of the Hulk were either too young or didn’t exist yet to co-star in this festering pile of film goo. Which is a very good thing, take my word for it.

  3. I don’t think I’m qualified to talk about “Santa With Muscles.”

    Supergenius, it sounds like you need some rehabilitative therapy. Maybe you should watch “The Warriors” on Google Video. That should make you feel much better.

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