There are many reasons to hate the Christmas season. Fortunately, cinema isn’t one of them. For sure, there are many turkeys out there, but we have been blessed with some fine holiday films through the years.
So, what are your favorite holiday films?
My top three:
3) Scrooged. “You’ve got a program featuring America’s favorite old fart. Reading a book in front of a fireplace. Now, I have to kill all of you.”
A Modern-day retelling of Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol.” Let’s be honest: the story itself–not that great and played out. But with Bill Murray, back before he got all serious on us? Whoa, number 3 on the list. Also, it’s got Robert Mitchum in it, which…I love me some Robert Mitchum. And Karen Allen–why hasn’t she done anything good in the last 15 years?
But also, it tells us the true meaning of Christmas:
Frank Cross: I want to see her nipples.
Censor Lady: But this is a CHRISTMAS show.
Frank Cross: Well, I’m sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.
Guy who works on set: You can barely see them nipples.
Frank Cross: See? And these guys are REALLY looking.
2) Die Hard. “All right, listen up guys. ‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four ***holes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.”
You can keep your George Baileys–John McClane is the true hero of Christmas films. And yes, it is a Christmas film.
It has everything a good Christmas needs: family, heart, blood, explosions…and quality one-liners that exemplify the Christmas spirit:
- “Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho.”
- “Oh my God, the quarterback is toast.” (Especially this year, when the Packers (hopefully) beat down on the Bears on Christmas day.)
- And, of course, the one that I can’t print here that starts with “Yippee…”
1) Bad Santa. “You know what I see when I look at you? America’s got a sad future ahead of it.”
I like my heroes “anti-” and, if possible, drunk. Because, at heart, I am truly a sentimentalist. That’s why this is #1. I’d like to say more, ’cause I love this movie so much, but I feel like I’d spoil it for those who haven’t already checked it out. So, when you’re sitting around with the family and wondering what to do, pop in this film and have some holiday cheer.*
* These choices may actually be detrimental to family relations. Use with caution.